Note to readers: I’ve taken a break from posting in my newsletter while focusing on finishing my novel. I originally wrote this unpublished piece of metaphorical satire eight years ago after receiving a godawful weekly assignment. A former colleague laughed and shared it with her boyfriend. But, if you are a conservative Republican and Christian and have no sense of humor, you might not be amused.
Maureen “Mo” Payne, the bulldog political reporter for the Backwater Republican Advertiser Gazette, was in hot pursuit of a GOP candidate for Congress who had eluded her calls. Her sources tipped her off that the Backwater Area Republican Federation invited Neal Conn to speak at a reception Saturday in the Big O Tent during the annual fair.
BARF members offered elephant rides for children outside the tent. For $2, children ages 2 to 8 could ride Reagan, the patriarch of the elephant herd, for two minutes. Mo snapped a quick photo of a boy riding Reagan, and headed to the entrance of the tent. A sign read, “Firearms welcome.” A security officer tried to block her, saying the event was private and for party members. Mo would not take “no” for an answer.
BARF officials admitted her, and she approached the candidate, who was wearing denim, a flannel shirt, cowboy hat and cowboy boots, and carried a Bible in his left hand and a handgun in his holster.
“I’ve left five messages for you over the past week,” Mo said.
“I’m afraid I did not get your messages,” Conn responded. “I don’t think I have your number in my smartphone.”
Mo said, “Look under ‘evil media.’”
Mo asked Conn a question about legislation calling for background checks on gun buyers.
“I’ll stick to my position that guns don’t kill; abortions do,” he retorted. Conn’s chief of staff, Buck Offerman, cut short the interview, saying the program would start in five minutes. The event drew about 75 people, all white, 60 and older and mostly armed.
The Rev. Armand Gideon of the Christian Revivalist Assembly of Power delivered the invocation. “Oh Heavenly Father, deliver us from Satanists, abortionists, secular humanists, homosexuals, Democrats, Hollywood and the liberal media,” he said. The gathering roared, “Amen.”
Wright Winger, chairman of the Republican Central Committee, then introduced the speaker.
Conn began by saying he grew up in a Democratic household.
“I began to have doubts during my youth,” Conn said. “The Democrat Party stands for collectivism, big government, homosexuality, abortion, teen pregnancy, dependency. I want to take government off the backs of businesses and put it at the wedding chapel and in public restrooms.
“I found Jesus, and I embraced Ronald Reagan,” Conn continued. “I’m a proven conservative, but the party of Lincoln and Reagan has a big tent. The tent is open to you as long as you love guns, oppose abortion and gay marriages, believe if you are born a boy you will have to use the men’s restroom even if you think you are a woman, praise Jesus and deny global warming.”
Conn went on, “And I find it more than symbolic that the elephant representing the GOP is named Reagan.”
Reagan made its presence known by roaring and trudging inside the tent, knocking down tables. Some attendees tried to flee. One woman threw up and fainted.
Reagan’s tamer darted inside the tent, but he was seconds too late. The assembled party faithful drew their guns and fired shots at Reagan. The elephant collapsed on an octogenarian. Paramedics arrived in minutes, and pronounced the man dead at the scene. They helped to escort people out of the tent.
Conn’s men tried to block Mo from taking photos. “Mo, respect the privacy of the people here,” Offerman said. She tweeted on her smartphone, “Armed Republicans shoot ‘Reagan’ in tent.”
The elephant handler said Reagan broke free from its rope, and suspected animal rights activists had a hand in it.
Sheriff Rick O’Shea said, “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Mo rushed over to Conn to get a statement.
“My only comment,” Conn said, “is guns don’t kill. Elephants do,” and stomped off.